July 27, 2015

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When I told my Mother I was starting a blog where I’d rank my children on a day to day basis she didn’t like the idea at all.  She told me I shouldn’t to it.  She thought it was very mean and found no humor in laughs at her grandsons’ expense.  So I did what a good son does.  I told her I wouldn’t and then I did anyway.  I lied, adding yet another the brick to the foundation of our loving relationship of constant deception.

I watch enough Reality TV to know that it’s very trendy for people to say, “There’s only one thing I won’t tolerate, and that’s a liar.”  Lighten up!  Lying is pretty awesome and I’ve always been a huge fan of it’s ability to get me out of tight spots and it’s delightful convenience in avoiding stuff I’d rather not do.  My wife feels the same.  When we got married we even considered putting “Lying” in as one of our vows along with “Honor” and “Obey.”

I think people fail to see the respect lying to a person signifies.  Sure, there are evil, bad lies, but for the most part lying to someone means you don’t want to upset them or have them to think less of you.  In some cases people make up lies to impress others.  You want to impress me?  You don’t want to upset me or have me think less of you?  Thank you, good sir! Consider me flattered!!!

I really hope my sons respect me enough to lie.  I have a friend with a college age child.  This kid, talks all the time about how he drinks constantly and has shown everyone in the family his fake ID!  Now, I want my boys to do those things when they get to college, but God forbid they tell me about it.  I want them to do what I did and show me a little respect. I want them to lie through their teeth.

“No, those beer cans aren’t mine.  My friend ____, drank them.  I’m pretty sure he’s got a drinking problem, Dad”

“A fake ID?  I wouldn’t even know what black market ring oversees such shenanigans.”

Lies like this will be music to my ears!

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There are a lot of milestones in the life of a baby.  First words, first steps, etc.  I think the one I’m most looking forward to is the first lie.  Whether it’s about something they’ve broken in the house, or a missing cookie, I’ll smile when I hear them utter their first deception and know that they’re on the right path.

And it’s a two way street.  I have plenty of lies I plan on telling them.

“Did I ever smoke?  No, smoking is a filthy habit that kills.  Not once have I let the joyous sensation of sweet nicotine fill my lungs and exhale a majestic cloud of smoke that released a feeling of euphoria!”

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(I’ll have to convince the Boys that this guy is not cool)

“Sex before marriage?  No, I really wanted to wait until I met someone special and then get married first.”  (I’m kind of rethinking that lie.  Makes me sound like a Duggar)

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(Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, you’ve ruined my sex before marriage lies!)

“Have I ever drank till I blacked out?  Of course not.  You’d have to have more than two light beers for that. I think you’d even have to drink what’s called hard liquor.  No thank you.  Not for me, boys.”

I’ve even got some elaborate lies planned.  I dread the day when it’s time for my dog, Winston to meet his great reward.  And I fear explaining death to the Boys even more.  That’s why, many many years from now, when the time comes, I’ll simply take Winston with me when I leave the house and return with a another Golden Retriever puppy and explain that , “Winston had some work done.”  I live in LA.  This is an extremely believable lie and I’ll have spared the Boys from a traumatic discussion about life and death.

I’m also forging an entirely fraudulent college transcript to show the kids.

So, here’s hoping the bonds of love among everyone in the family lead to a happy house of mutual respect and lies.  The truth hurts.  Let lying be your novocaine!!

Least Favorite Child Results

July 25 – Charles was Least Favorite.  We’re experiencing a big heat wave here in LA.  Charles’ need to be constantly held during stifling weather has not endeared him to me or my wife.  If you’re trying to keep cool in the midst of incredible humidity, having a 99 degree, 12 pound ball of sweaty flesh strapped to you negates air conditioning.  I already have a gut.  I don’t need 12 more pounds.

July 26 – Arthur was Least Favorite.  Not his fault though.  Charles actually cries more than Arthur.  What Arthur can’t beat is the look on Charles’ face before he starts to cry though.  Charles lets his bottom lip stick out in a pathetic yet incredibly adorable way.  It’s conflicting for me that Charles’ cutest expression comes during his saddest times.  It’s even more conflicting that I enjoy it so much.  That’s OK, though.  This parenting thing is a learning process.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 24 Days

Charles – 20 Days

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 12

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