July 22, 2015

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( I have no idea why I’ve placed this Travolta photo here)

Like a lot of parents I want the best for my sons.  That’s why I want to find them a really good Father Figure.  I have no intent of abandoning my Dad duties.  I’m just suggesting that I need someone to compliment my skill set who happens to be more…manly.

I’m not the manliest of men.  I have plenty of standard guy habits.  I love beer, sports and red meat.  If I have to break into a jog on a crosswalk I appear to have the basic coordination skills that would make you think that Gym Class wasn’t traumatic for me in my youth.

Where I fall short are the areas of manliness that are more proactive.  The manliest things I’ve done in the past month are attaching the gas tank to the BBQ Grill and putting batteries in a child’s bouncy swing, and the latter required me to ask my wife at least five different questions to accomplish.  In my defense this swing needed five D batteries which are the really big unwieldy ones.

In my house if someone needs to assemble a piece of furniture, figure out where cables go, or find the fusebox (I don’t even think those exist anymore) it’s my wife.  She’s the man of the house.  I’m the pretty one.

You can see my dilemma.  I’d like my sons to much more of a man than me.  If we can go to a Pediatrician for their health and hire a Nanny to help with their day to day needs why can’t I hire a really manly guy who’s good with his hands to mentor my sons?

I’m looking for someone who would work for me on weekends.  We’d teach the boys how to do all the manly stuff. And by we, I mean the guy I hire.

We could teach them how to change the oil in a car.  I’ve never really understood the value of wasting an entire Saturday afternoon doing this instead of spending $60 for a half hour at Jiffy Lube, but I’ve always looked at guys who do this in awe.

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Teach them how to useful around the house with real tools! That way they’ll never have to live with the shame of hiring a handy man to do basic stuff for them and who gives them that look that says, “You’re not even close to approaching what it takes to be a man.” At least that’s how I interpret the look.

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Then we’d move to the outside where they’d learn building skills by constructing their own tree house.

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(Who wouldn’t trust this guy with their kid!)

Camping seems manly.  It teaches important survival skills.  I’ll leave this for later though, because I don’t want to go camping.  I’ll need to make sure the manly guy I hire isn’t a perv before I let him camp with Charles and Arthur.  That’s what a good dad does, right?

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And of course while camping they could learn to appreciate nature in a manly way.

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(A bearded guy whittling?  Very very manly)

OH!  And this Dad Figure will teach them the art of self defense!  I don’t want them to start fights, but it would be really cool if they could be the type of dude who could subdue a bully with a complex type of hold and then shame them into apologizing to someone they were picking on as the student body starts a slow clap that builds around them!

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The goal for the manly Father Figure I hire is to turn Arthur and Charles into someone like this.

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(He even stole water from California!  You have to be able to know how to use your hands for that type of stealing as it involves pipes and irrigation!)

Instead of a guy like this.

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(Toby Jones.  I love him in Wayward Pines and as far as I know, he’s probably manlier than me.)

The Father Figure I hire will have to be cool with cowering around me in front of the Boys so I can keep up the facade of dominance.  Sorry, that’s just part of the deal.

If you read this and know someone really manly looking for some weekend work as a part time Father Figure, tell them to send me a message or just get in their Ford F150 and drive over my place for an informal interview.  Thanks!!

Least Favorite Child Results

July 20 – Arthur wins this as a result of Charles sustaining the first baby injury and the guilt associated with that.  Charles, having scratched himself the night before, needed a finger nail trim which resulted in this photo that looks like a scene from Platoon.

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You’ll notice his blood stained onsie says “Pinch Me I’m Cute” as opposed to “Cut Me I Dare You.”  Although this certainly is his most intimidating look to date. The Red Sox sock band aid was just a stop gap solution for the moment.

July 21 – Sorry, Charles.  I feel bad about the cut but pity only gets you so far when you refuse to be pleased no matter what is provided for you.  Food, bouncy swing, play area with mobile, Mommoroo and it’s 27 settings were all tried to placate you and you chose tears at all times.  Even during a sleep feeding you moaned! Why???

It’s not possible to be fussier than that.  I’d love it if someone would gently feed me a cheesesteak in bed while I continued to dream away.  I don’t’ get it, but when he’s old enough to speak I’m going to want answers.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 22 Days

Charles – 18 Days

**New Stat I’m Tracking

A friend who works on Neil Patrick Harris’ new show on NBC sent him my blog post from last week in which he was featured.  NPH still hasn’t gotten in touch with me suggesting we become best friends.  I’m still waiting.

Days Since Neil Patrick Harris Received My Post and Hasn’t Responded – 7

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