July 20, 2015

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This post is a little dark but take advantage of it.  Very few people read this blog and if you’re one of the few, this could be your opportunity to get away with…murder!

As I understand it, you can’t convict someone of a crime if you can’t prove that they’re of sound mind at the time it was committed.  I think I’ve watched enough Law and Order to confirm this as fact and gospel.  So, if you’re looking to get rid of someone, the answer is easy; find a parent of twins.  Because as a parent of more than one baby at the same time they cannot possibly have a rational thought going through their head.

Just yesterday I put the TV remote in the freezer twice for no apparent reason, drove home to the wrong house while running errands, and welled a little while watching “Rudy” starring Sean Astin. This all happened within two hours. Does that sound like someone who a jury would consider having the capacity to understand between right and wrong?

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(He made the team and he stole my heart!)

In my mind I believe that James Bond and all the other 00 agents were only granted the the special license to kill because they were dads of multiple babies. It makes sense.  The steely glint on Bond’s face when he kills a rival operative can only be understood as someone whose blood flows like ice from spending thirty minutes in a Ralph’s Supermarket with two crying infants strapped to his chest in a double baby bjorn.

I doubt I’d ever murder anyone. However, knowing that I could get away with it and serve no jail time is incredibly empowering.  The person who I allow to cut in front of me and into traffic and then fails to give me a courtesy wave has no idea how close they actually come to meeting their great reward during the morning commute.  The girl who works at the Starbucks in her mid twenties, who is 25 years younger than me but calls me “honey” has no clue she’s on such thin ice.  I, and I alone, hold their lives in my hand.  To paraphrase Alec Baldwin from the movie Malice, “You ask me if I have a God Complex?  I am God!”

There’s no way I’d ever be convicted.

Here’s a photo of defense exhibit number one; Charles

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Lives to wake you up at the most inopportune times.  Likes to weep at ear bleeding decibels. Will convince you his diaper needs to be changed and you’ll find nothing in there.  When you do change it, he’ll take a dump in it two minutes later.  It’s a cat and mouse game he plays and I’m the mouse.

Photo of defense exhibit number two, Arthur.

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He’s a 99 degree, twelve pound rock that demands to be held all day during the worst heat wave in 15 years.  It’s like being locked in a sauna for 24 hours.  Put a bib on him to anticipate his spit up?  He laughs in your face and waits until it comes off to let the contents of his stomach dribble down his onsie forcing you into the 11th wardrobe change of the day.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I give you Arthur and Charles.  My get out of jail free card.  If you don’t believe me, let them into the jury room while you deliberate.  If 12 people can watch them for an hour or two without losing their mind I may be found guilty but I have to honest, I like my chances.

So, if you find yourself in a fix and need to get someone “out of the picture,” shoot me a call or email.  My rates are negotiable. I’ll be working on alibis in the meantime.

Least Favorite Child Results

July 18 & 19 – Charles took Least Favorite honors on both days this weekend.  I think if there’s an occupation in his future it’s farmer because at 4:30am, he’s up and ready to get to work.  There are a lot of jobs I never want to do.  Farming is one of them.  It’s a lot of hard work and the hours suck.  I’ve pretty much become a farmer and Charles is my crop.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 21 Days

Charles – 17 Days

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