July 17, 2015

I’ve heard a few names thrown out in the news to replace Donald Trump as the new Apprentice Host.  Both George Lopez and Magic Johnson have been names thrown out  as potential New Trumps.  Don’t do it NBC!!  A recognizable face can’t replace an iconic one.  You need a fresh face…or maybe two.  Just look at these pictures and let them sink in for a minute.

Arthur Charles[1]

These two should be the next host/hosts of the Celebrity Apprentice.  It makes sense in terms of viewer entertainment, financial bottom line, and I would have additional staff to look after them while I sleep.  Let some set PAs take care of these two little soul suckers for a month of shooting.

I’ve thought about this carefully.  Let me lay out why I think they’re the perfect replacements.

1) They’re babies! You know what would be more unprecedented than having a baby host a major network reality competition show?  Having two babies host!!  Babies are cute and people love them.  Anything that periodically falls asleep regardless of their surroundings is adorable.  Just like narcoleptics are always seen as super cute.  You’ll also be able to promote their milestones for many seasons to come.  “Tune in to tonight to see if Arthur speaks his first words AND who really stole Vivica Fox’s cell phone!”  “Don’t miss tonight’s Apprentice when jaws drop in the Boardroom as Charles holds his head upright for 30 seconds!!” Who’s not setting their DVR for that?

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It might be bumpy for the first season as the Boys don’t actually speak, but I’m guessing there would be some pretty high drama among the celebs as they to figure out who got fired by interpreting Arthur and Charles’ grunts and groans.  Tempers are certainly going to flare up when Clay Aiken and Melissa Rivers start arguing over who they think the Boys fired based solely on their blank stares and breast milk running down their tiny chins.

2) They’re unpredictable! TV is all about providing unexpected moments and I can guarantee that Arthur and Charles will always have people guessing what they’ll do next.  They’ll provide plenty of water cooler talk for viewers after the show airs. That’s what any show wants…BUZZ!   “Can you believe Arthur shit himself while Ian Ziering was pleading his case”? Again, another promotable moment.

3) They like people of all races!!  Obviously, Trump’s comments about people of Mexican decent was a huge problem.  These guys are the perfect answer.  They view people of all races equally.  Living in Echo Park, California, an area heavily populated by Mexican people, Arthur and Charles have been held, fed and even changed by who they believe to be the best that country has to offer.  They don’t see color.  Of course at their age their vision is 20/400, so they don’t see much at all,  but it’s still something in their favor.

4) They don’t care about people’s sob stories.  You have to be tough to host this show.  Arthur and Charles have what it takes.  They just don’t care about anyone else but themselves. This is how they responded to me telling them about how hard my day was yesterday.

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Deal with this type of cold disinterest Omorosa!

5) Ratings!  They’ll do whatever it takes to get attention and that’s what makes people watch a TV Show.  They’ll cry loudly, they’ll throw up, they’ll even soil themselves.  Sure Gary Busey did all that stuff in the two seasons he was on the show, but he didn’t smell nearly as good.

I know there are risks having two 9 week old babies host a TV show but do you really want to watch Magic Johnson eliminate contestants with his charming smile and genteel way?  Or watch George Lopez fire someone but diffuse the drama with a couple of jokes?  I say let my two self absorbed, incontinent, overemotional sons take the wheel of this franchise and enjoy a wild ride, while I grab more time for napping.

BTW, here’s who I’d cast as Arthur and Charles’ eyes and ears in the field for the show!

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Least Favorite Child Results

July 15 – Arthur was least favorite but solely based on second hand information from my wife.  It seems Arthur is horrible during the day when I’m at work and passes the baton onto Charles shortly before I get home.  Arthur’s screaming put my wife in enough of a mood, that we had to stop Big Brother at least six times for her to tell me about different horrible moments he had that day.  This was a Veto Competition episode for God’s Sake.  Johnny wound up winning the Veto and I didn’t even really see it.  Thanks a lot, Arthur!

July 16 – Charles.  Aren’t babies heads suppose to be soft?  Charles has a large rock head that he likes to flair into your chest or head.  Burping him is like being in an MMA fight and I have the bruises to prove it.  That’s how I’d describe my night with Charles.  It was like being in the Octagon with Randy Couture.Randy-Couture_1573353a

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 21 Days

Charles – 15 Days

**Did you know the stress from lack of sleep can cause breakouts and blemishes?  I have a zit underneath my lip and I shift blame directly to Arthur and Charles.  Thanks for the whitehead in an incredibly painful area guys!!

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