July 15, 2015

I’ve been mistaken as gay several times in my life.  It’s never bothered me.  Years ago, my wife and I went for drinks at West Hollywood Bar, Marix, that’s a very popular gay hangout.  They’ll make great margaritas.  While sitting with my wife, two gay men approached and asked me if I was “with” anyone.  I told them I was with my wife and pointed to her.  They looked dumbfounded and a little disappointed.  They thought just from looking at me I’d be perfect for their friend…Phil.

Even though I introduced them to my wife, these guys seemed hell bent on selling me on Phil, especially after we chatted for a few minutes.  I guess we were a great personality match.  Eventually I stopped trying to convince them I was straight and became kind of consumed with Phil.  What was he like?  Who would I get set up with in the Gay World?

When I started asking very specific questions about Phil I got very vague answers. They wouldn’t tell me his age, what he looked like or what he did for work.  Then it dawned on me, Phil was a loser!

The guys left pretty quickly, as my questions about Phil smacked of being desperate and I never even got his last name so I could friend him on Facebook.  In my mind I’m pretty sure this is what Phil looks like.

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The long winded point I’m making is that I’m so wonderfully unhomophobic that when someone thought I was gay I wasn’t bothered.  I was fascinated how I would have done romantically if I was.  I think looking at Phil in the photo above I have my answer. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me when I realize how awesome and enlightened I am.

I have two sons and like any father I wonder how I’d react if one of them is gay.  And if one of them is gay…which one is it?

Is it Arthur?

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He’s got a fierce look and brings a badass attitude that would no doubt make him popular at The Abbey.

Or is it Charles?

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He’s concerned and compassionate.  He wears his heart on his sleeve along with a lot of tears and spit up.  He’ll have no problem with either the ladies or the guys.

I don’t know who it is or if it’s either of them BUT, they should know that if one of them is gay I have expectations.  I’m not unreasonable.  I just expect them to be this guy.

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I want my gay son to be just like Neil Patrick Harris.  He’s refreshingly gay.  He’s not over the top, unless he wants to be.  He’s funny, he’s got a great voice and likes Broadway, he’s in TV and Movies and he probably knows Nathan Lane.  These are all things I’d like my gay son to bring to the table.

Does this make me shallow?  Probably, but that’s who I am.  If I can accept having a gay son can’t I at least ask that they’re a charming successful Hollywood actor?  Just writing this makes me realize that I want more than just a gay son who’s a lot like him.  I think I actually want to be Neil Patrick Harris’ Dad!

He probably has a great relationship with his own father, but if he doesn’t, I could totally be there for him.  I could have helped him get though the unfair reviews for his Oscar Hosting and the emotional ending of How I Met Your Mother. He’s got a new show premiering on NBC this fall, Best Time Ever. (Sorry, I just had to plug my fake gay son’s new show.  That’s what a Dad does.) He’s probably nervous about it. I could be there to tell him that whatever happens I’ll always be proud of him.  Then we could go eat an expensive steak dinner at a fancy restaurant that he’d pay for because he’s always doing things like that for me.

So there you have it Arthur and Charles.  NPH has set the bar.  If one of you is gay you need to be just like your big brother.

Least Favorite Child Results

July 13 – Charles takes the day.  I think Arthur needed a break from his unruly and unpleasant behavior.  Screeching and unhappily howling for two straight months has to be a horrible grind and he decided to pass the torch on to Charles who gladly accepted.  Dealing with an unhappy Charles is even a worse.  He weighs a lot more than Arthur and your arms get tired much quicker holding this tank of a baby as you try to do whatever it takes to calm his unreasonable outburst. He’s a big bag of weepy cement.  Try consoling that for a few hours.

July 14 – Charles continued to carry the torch.  It’s as if he’s been replaced by an alien like Johnny Depp in the classic film, The Astronaut’s Wife.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child.

Arthur – 20 Days

Charles – 14 Days

Charles makes up some ground!

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