July 13, 2015

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My sons are a couple of months old and they own a lot more clothes than I do.  I have about 8 shirts, 4 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of shoes.  That’s about it.  Now, granted I don’t go to the bathroom in what I’m wearing, aside from a few horrible tragedies over the years, but these two are little clothes horses.  It’s not as if they run into a lot of people on a daily basis either.

What fascinates me most about their clothing is the pompous statements on most of them.  If you don’t notice from looking at them that they’re terrific humans, their clothes are going to tell you just to make sure. If I ran into someone wearing wardrobe that made these statements I’d roll my eyes and think, “Get over yourself!” From time to time there’s a shirt or onesie that makes a statement about me or my wife and quite frankly we’d prefer that they leave us out of it.

I don’t agree with the statements or sentiments most of the time which is why I’d like to feature a select few and give my rebuttal to what they say.

Daddy’s Team Captain

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This one gets me every time.  I’m not sure what type of team I’d be fielding where I’d make either of these two kids the Captain.  They have no sense of responsibility or empathy.  If they’re leading your team, your team is losing.

Chick Magnet

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Let’s not even get into forcing them into sexual preferences in this day of Marriage Equality.  If you’re a “chick” and Arthur and Charles are your type it speaks volumes about your insecurity.  You’re clearly looking for someone who won’t leave you and have lowered the bar considerably.  You’re not suppose to be with someone you have to change until your Golden Years.

Little Tough Guy

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You know what these little tough guys did over the weekend?  They spent most of their time crying hysterically when things didn’t go their way.  I can’t remember the last Clint Eastwood movie I watched where he spent 90% of the time crying.  If you seem them wearing this, don’t be intimidated.  You’re much tougher.

I’m Kind Of A Big Deal

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You know, if you have to say it about yourself, then maybe you’re not as big a deal as you think.  Seems to me if you’re really a big deal, you just keep it to yourself and let people say it for you.

I Make Mommy Smile

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Yes, you do make Mommy smile.  You also make her extremely tired and irritable and drive her to tears when you won’t take the “boob” without a massively loud hissy fit.  I’ve seen a whole range of facial expression on Mommy and a smile is just one of them.

I Am Loved

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Talking about being secure. Sure, this is true.  But there are a lot of other emotions I feel toward these guys at 3am feedings or when they’re stealing my precious morning hours of sleep. None of these emotions should be put into words and emblazoned on a shirt.

Luv U Daddy, Luv U Mommy

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Couldn’t be dripping with more sarcasm.  Also, they can’t speak let alone read or write.  If we’re going to have my kids make fake statements can’t we at least set the bar with some correct spelling?

No Statement

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There’s no statement on this one but it always intrigues me.  Three cars on the front of the shirt.  The top one is labeled as bus.  The bottom one is labeled as truck.  They were stumped in regard to what the vehicle in the middle is.  Let me help the manufacturer out.  It’s an Uber.

Will Work For Hugs

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You can’t read the caption, but take my word for it.  It says “Will Work For Hugs.” I see no work ethic from these two.  They won’t even work hard to keep a pacifier in their mouths for more than 4 seconds.  Also, in this picture they have a dog driving a cement mixer, which is going to give them unrealistic expectations for our dog Winston.  Now he’s been dragged into this.

Here are a few things I’d like them to print on these clothes.

“Your Needs Mean Nothing To Me”

“I Kill Daddy’s Spirit!”

“I’m The Reason Mommy Yells At Daddy”

“I Do Four Things.  Cry, Sleep, Eat and Poop.  And I Once Did Them All At The Same Time.”

And I’m fine if any or all of these feature a dog driving a cement mixer.

Least Favorite Child Results

Saturday, July 11 and 12.  No need to break these days out individually.  Arthur clearly decided that he’d leave Charles little to no chance of grabbing the Least Favorite honor.

Arthur can make Charles seem completely reasonable. His screams seem to say, “I can’t believe you’ve let it come to this.  How did you not have that bottle ready to instantly go into my suckhole the second I woke up.”

Arthur sleep in 3 minute intervals.  If he slept more than 5 hours the entire weekend I’d be shocked.  I haven’t done that since college. And when you think about it, why shouldn’t he pull an all-nighter?  What are the consequences for him?  I love him, but he’s a douche.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 20 Days

Charles – 12 Days

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