June 29, 2015

People look at my kids and say all sorts of things about their personalities.  “He’s going to be the funny one!” “Oh dear, this one is going to charm everyone.  He’s the little politician.”  Clearly, they’re stumped for conversation because these kids aren’t giving anyone any clues regarding what they might be like.  Quite frankly, they’re both time consuming bores.  I love them, but there it is.  I live in the hope they’ll better themselves. Much like my parents still live in the hope that I will better myself too.

They each have exactly two moods.  One mood is crying.  The other mood is not crying.  Not that they execute these moods the same.  Arthur’s cry is a piercing burst that at first shocked and frightened me, but after 5 or 6 weeks just deadens my soul a little more. I’m pretty sure I’ll take well to ferberizing where parents just let their child cry it out. That’s how dead I’m getting. Charles’ cry is much more proper.  It starts with kind of a silent cry for the first minute or two.  I think he’s hoping we’ll notice he’s displeased before having to actually cry audibly.  I appreciate that, although as sleep deprived parents my advice to him is to let it out.  We’re not picking up on subtlety. So, there you have it.  That’s one of their two moods.

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Each of them have a separate and distinct non crying mood.  I like to describe Charles second mood as, waiting to cry.  He’s not smiling so I don’t identify it as a happy mood.  The mood might also be described as waiting to eat or waiting to sleep.  I can only say that the mood isn’t happy, delighted, or interested.  It really just seems like he’s taking a break from the other mood.

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Arthur’s other non crying mood, is clearly one of disgust toward me.  A line from the the Heath Ledger film “A Knight’s Tale” best sums up his look and what’s going through his mind when he looks at me. “You’ve been weighed.  You’ve been measured.  And you’ve been found wanting.”  Something tells me he’s going to be the one disappointed with the Summer Camp he gets sent to.

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I keep hearing that babies start showing a more fun personality at around 3 or 4 months.  Until then, the moods above are what I have to work with.  Have you ever hung out with a couple of people who only cry or are pissed for 3 or 4 months?  Medical science needs to work on keeping the kids inside the Moms for 12 months.  That’s what most of the animal kingdom has on us.  They don’t give birth at 9 months.  It’s anywhere from 15 to even 27 months in some cases.  That’s why you never see a baby elephant that’s a dick.

Least Favorite Child Results

Saturday, June 27 – Arthur gets the nod.  When people tell you that babies sleep 20 out of 24 hours it’s just a big lie.  I’d flip it around for Arthur on Saturday.  He was up all day and all night.  And why not.  He clearly already realizes there are no consequences for him if he has an all nighter.  He’ll just sleep it off in his swing the next day.

Sunday, June 28 – Charles finally breaks into the Least Favorite spot after a long break.  Taking a titanic crap down his leg and all over his swing won him Least Favorite Honors.  The swings resale value has taken a big hit with a pretty large poop stain.  I cleaned it thoroughly and threw it in the washer, but the stain is still there.  At least I know it’s as clean as a poop stain can be.

Total Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 14 Days

Charles – 8 Days

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