June 19, 2015
They say all of us are like snowflakes. No two of us are exactly alike. My son, Arthur is proof of this. He has two assholes.
In actuality they’re not both assholes. It just looks like he has two. I didn’t even notice it for the first few days as I basked in the euphoria of my two brand new sons. I think it was the third or fourth day when I was changing him when I applied a wet wipe to his butt. You’re never really prepared to see two growlers on one human being. Needless to say my wife and I were concerned, but our Pediatrician nonchalantly told us with a little smirk, that it was common and the dent that appeared to be a spare poop chute would fill out in the next few weeks.
I’m taking the Doctor at his word but someone once told me to always hope for the best and plan for the worst in life. So, just in case I’m preparing to live life as the parent of a child with two turd cutters.
It helps if I look on the bright side. If he’s ever abducted by aliens, he’s going to stun the shit out of them during the anal probe. I also wonder if some ancient prophecy will reveal itself naming him as a chosen one. I imagine a higher being coming in search of the two assholed child who has been foretold to his people and who is destined to save the Universe from it’s impending doom.
It’s during the moments when I think of these things that I beam with pride over my son with the double balloon knots.
Least Favorite Child Results
June 17 – It’s getting tougher to choose a Least Favorite everyday. They seem to be working in tandem, taking shifts to suck the life out of me. I’ll give least favorite to Arthur, if only because when Charles woke up at 3am, I caught up on an episode of Wayward Pines as I fed and changed him.
June 18 – Arthur actually took Least favorite easily on this day. I wasn’t even around, but my wife told me all about his exploits. It seems he prevented her from taking an adorable photo of the two of them in knit puppy outfits. When a woman is trying to create a priceless “awwww” moment, and you ruin it, everyone pays. One domino falls and the next thing you know, your wife who is upset about a ruined photo is yelling at you because you chose the cheaper resort to stay at for your honeymoon fifteen years ago. Thanks a lot, Arthur!!
(Random photo of Charles for fairness)
Least Favorite Child Totals
Total Days as Least Favorite Child
Arthur – 8 Days
Charles – 6 Days