June 16, 2015

It’s High School Graduation week in many parts of the country this week, so I thought it would be appropriate to hand out some superlatives for Arthur and Charles, who will be part of the Class of 2033. That’s assuming they won’t skip a grade or God forbid, be held back a grade.

A lot of people will frown on labeling a child at only four weeks of age or putting them in a competitive situation likes this. But it’s competitive world out there and I’m a big fan of passing judgment on people and things, so that wins out.

At least both of the Boys can take solace in knowing that they finished either first or second in every category.

Most Likely to Succeed: Charles

He’s the first one to cry, and if they both cry at the same time he’s the one you feed first because his tears convince you that he’s been betrayed. This is the type of emotional manipulation that I think could lead him to great things.

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Most Popular: Arthur

Of the two, people tend to gravitate toward him. If the Boys were a produce section of melons, customers would look at them and pick Arthur up first. He just seems a little riper and user friendly. He also works well with people who’ve never held babies before, seldom crying as his noggin flails around without the proper support it needs. His “they’ll figure it out” attitude wins them over. Even the Blue Elephant strapped to the bassinet can’t get enough of him. As you can see below Charles and the Elephant have a strained relationship at best.

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Class Clown: Arthur

He just knows the staples of great comedy. He’s a loud farter, is comfortable hanging out in the nude and has mastered the “pee on the person changing me” gag. He also look like Stubby Kaye from Guys and Dolls.  Sometimes funny is all about having a “look.”

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Biggest Partier: Tie – Arthur and Charles

I base this solely on drinking. Charles is a power drinker. He can drink Arthur under the table BUT Arthur drinks and winds up looking like a Navy Guy on shore leave. Arthur winds up muttering in his diaper wasted on milk.  I’ve seen it time and time again. I’ll call it a draw.

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Most Likely To Become a Magician: Charles

I can’t tell you how many times I change his diaper expecting to find a ton of poop and there’s nothing to be found.  It’s a more impressive trick than sawing a lady in half as far as I’m concerned.  He could also easily master Houdini’s getting out of a straight jacket with his getting out of tight swaddle abilities.

Most Likely To Become an Evil Villain: Charles

He’s just got the perfect look.  I’m seriously considering getting a little white kitten to put in his lap to pet to complete the look.

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Cutest Couple: Arthur and Charles

They had absolutely no competition for this award and nearly didn’t win it.  These two don’t even seem to know the other exists.  They seem to have bonded more with the damn Blue Elephant that with each other.  I don’t know if they’re passively sizing each other up, or are convinced they’re not brothers at all and are just at some very small maternity ward with only one other baby.  They don’t resemble each other at all, so I guess I wouldn’t blame them for not thinking they’re related.

Least Favorite Child Results

Saturday June 13 – LFC – Charles

I did a poor job changing him and for some reason he seemed to smell a little like dried poop most of the day.  Hard to win me over with that going for you.

Sunday June 14 – LFC – Arthur

Spit up on me before I could get a rag on my shirt.  He totally could have waited but loves to make a game of ruining a shirt while I’m trying to get a burp cloth on me time.  Points in the game for Arthur but points deducted in the favorite game.

Monday June 15 – LFC – Charles

It was a tie, but even after a bath I couldn’t stop smelling the poo on him from Saturday.  To be fair I’m probably smelling it on him.

Least Favorite Totals

Total Days as Least Favorite Child.

Arthur – 6 Days

Charles – 5 Days

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