June 11, 2015

I recently read that parents of newborn children lose, on average, the equivalent of 44 days of sleep in the first year after their child is born.  44 days!!  And that’s just for one child.  I have two of these soulless sleep suckers.

I’m not going to say that having two means I’ll lose 88 days worth of sleep this year.  There are clearly times that they both wake up at the same time to disturb my tranquility.  Let’s split the difference and say that I’ll lose 66 days of sleep this year.

I’m not thinking about this because I’m a complete selfish asshole.  My concern is that I tend to hold a grudge.  How is it possible to not hold a lifelong grudge against two people who have stolen 66 days worth of one of my passions; sleep?

The answer to this is pretty obvious.  I need to get even.  I think settling the score will prevent me from the type of resentment that will build over many years until I have an extreme nervous breakdown that results in me weeping uncontrollably during their 4th Grade Graduation Ceremony, screaming “Dream killers” in between choked sobs. That’s the type of thing that will stick with them through High School.

But I won’t let this happen.  I love my sons too much. My plan is very simple. Now, 66 Days comes out to 1,584 hours.  That means I have 1,584 future one hour naps coming to me that I can redeem at any time I want.  There’s nothing they can do about it.  I may not redeem all my nap vouchers in the coming years, but I plan to strategically get out of my fair share of science projects and finger painting socials.  Hell, I might even just use them to get out of answering 1,584 awkward questions they’re bound to ask me.

I encourage other parents to try my plan.  Let’s make these kids accountable and a little more self sufficient in the process.

Oh yeah, we have two days of rankings to do for Charles and Arthur.

Least Favorite Child for June 9, goes to Arthur.  Why?  Because he gives me this look a lot.

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Let’s just say I’m glad he’s only 8 pounds.  If I saw someone roughly my size, giving me this look with a balled up fist, I’d run the other way.  I don’t know what I’m doing that makes him want to pulverize me but he’s getting more control over his arms and I’m genuinely worried for my health.

Least Favorite Child for June 10, goes to Charles.  This is in part because I’m getting a little scared to keep giving this title to Arthur.  I mean you can see the look on his face above.  It’s intimidating.  Also, Charles makes no effort to hide is true feelings about HIS favorite with his wardrobe choices.

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It’s tough to see in this photo but his Onesie states, “Wild About Mommy.”  He’s got a lot of Mommy themed outfits and he wears them at every opportunity to tell me, she’s meeting a lot more of his basic needs than I am.  Someone sits in gridlock traffic every morning and every night to make sure we can afford AA batteries for a breast pump that keeps him fat and happy and that person is Daddy.  Of course he doesn’t give a frogs fat ass about that.  He never sees the big picture.  Whatever!

Days as Least Favorite Child

Arthur – 4 Days

Charles – 3 Days

*Some people were kind enough to point out that I had the numbers wrong in the last post, so I’ve corrected them.  If math skills are carried genetically, we can be sure neither of these boys will grow up to become accountants.