June 3rd, 2015

There was a winner yesterday and it was Arthur.  But neither of these kids are bathing themselves in glory.  If I considered my dog to be one of my children then this contest would be a total runaway.

IMG_1682

Before calling it a night I never thought Arthur had a chance to catch up with Charles in terms of being a self absorbed human with zero comportment and a complete lack empathy.

The highlight of Charles’ day was spitting out most of the breast milk he ingested. I’ve seen the ungodly process of my wife trying to make this precious resource.  She spends most of her day walking around the house with a pump that looks like the Life Sucking Machine from The Princess Bride stuck to her boobs.  It looks incredibly unpleasant as a violent sucking noise shrieks while her nipples are sucked back and forth in this machine, reminding me of a Carnival Whack A Mole game.

As hard as it is to generate nourishment from the two lunch buckets strapped to her chest, Charles’ spitting it out shortly after taking it in, is more or less viewed as flushing gold dust right down the toilet.  Not a great start to the day.

Charles also loses points every time he needs a diaper change.  I have never witnessed such impatience in my life.  It’s a process that takes anywhere from 1 to 2 minutes depending on the carnage he’s left.  After a couple of hundred diaper changes, you would think he’d figure out, “OK, this takes a minute or two but I’m going to feel fresh as a daisy afterward!”  I get it.  He feels the process could be streamlined and more efficient, but his outbursts seem way out of line.  He is in dire need of a Tony Robbins seminar to learn the best ways to motivate others.  Let’s look at a photo of him taken during this process.

IMG_1704

Does this look like someone getting their diaper changed, or having a bullet removed in the Old West given only a shot of whiskey to dull the pain.  He might be a baby, but he needs to man up.

With all these strikes against him, Arthur was sailing toward an easy Favorite Child win for the day.  But he’s crafty, and he seems to know that making up ground in the race is all about timing.  And he strikes at night, knowing that the best way to cripple someone’s soul, is to deprive them of sleep.

He’s developed a genius system to drive me and my wife insane.  He gets very sleepy.  You put him down and gaze upon the look of peaceful and total bliss on his face.  You quietly get into bed and the exact second you put your head on the pillow you hear his beastly cry.  You repeat this process 7-10 times.  Each time your head hits the pillow, the waling instantly begins.  It entered my mind that something might be wrong with my pillow.  I thought I might have to return it to Bed Bath and Beyond and explain to them that I was unaware that I had purchased a pillow with a built in baby cry sound effect when in use.  I also thought my pillow might have a weird voodoo curse where every time I put any weight on it, it simulated the pain of a pin poking some part of Arthur.

My wife and I took turns getting up every 20 minutes with this little asshole, feeding him and telling him how much of a horrible human being he was in gentle soothing tones whispered into his ear.

It was a very close battle, but the favorite of the day winds up being Arthur.  Although he cost me hours of valued sleep, Charles’ wasting breast milk put my wife in an unpleasant state, and we know how things can have a ripple effect.

Total

June 3rd Favorite of The Day – Arthur

Days as Favorite – Arthur – 1

Days as Favorite – Charles – 0

Advertisements