MY LEAST FAVORITE CHILD TODAY

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1ST ENTRY – JUNE 2, 2015

As legend has it, I was the favorite child in my family. As the youngest of 4 children, I enjoyed a Camelot like reign until about the age of 8 years old when a string of less than stellar Parent Teacher Conferences, Sibling Testimonials and first hand eyewitness accounts of my true shiftless and deceiving nature, exposed to my Mother who I really was…kind of a douche.

Since I lost my Favorite Status, my siblings and I have spent nearly 40 years bitterly jockeying for the number one spot in the eyes of our Mom. I’m sure our Dad has a favorite too. We’ve just never bothered to ask him.

Fifteen days ago I became a Dad to twin boys, Arthur and Charles. I wondered before their arrival if I could be the type of parent who rises above the pettiness of having a favorite. I realized quickly that I would not rise above it. Even at Ultrasounds that I attended I had favorites. If I saw one kicking the other, I immediately thought to myself, “What a little asshole.”

I knew that I would have a favorite and who that favorite was might change every day. But unlike my Mom, I decided I would keep a daily log so that I could have a tangible record that would track who comes out on top. It may very well be the kindest most thoughtful thing a father has ever done for his children. My sons won’t have to fiercely debate over who the actual favorite is years from now. They’ll only have to look at the standings. Before we start, here’s a very brief profile of the Boys.

Profiles:

ARTHUR

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His default expression is a very smug grin that makes him come off as someone who thinks he’s better than you. That’s pretty cocky from someone who doesn’t have full control of his arms and legs and can’t hold his head up for more than a fraction of a second.

At this stage of the game, he’s much more of a farter than a pooper. I can’t tell you how many times I take off this kids diaper expecting to find a landmine waiting for me and see that nothing is there. It’s like a David Copperfield trick. But I guess that’s in keeping with his smug nature. The guy is a tease.

CHARLES

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His face is an ever changing complex mask of emotions that indicate he’s about to cry. He might make 20 distinctly different unhappy faces before the waterworks actually begin.

He’s got very little hair and no eyebrows. His look reminds me of the Powder Character, from the film of the same name. It’s a tough look to pull off so he’s got his work cut out for him.

We’ll call the first fifteen days of their lives, the preseason for favorite status. The game begins today. Let the best baby win!!

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